I imagine I’m going through what the animal equivalent is called distemper. You’ll have to look that one up yourself because I’m too lazy.
I’m really sick. I have a fever of 103.2˚F, and every time I have woken up, there has been a string of drool embarking on a bold adventure down my jawline and into the neck of my shirt, which has snot all over it. Even on the back. Somehow. I’m also on my period. The situation is hardly pleasant.
I have to have blood work done. Why?
Family Doctor: “And where did all these bruises come from?”
Me: “Dude, I really have no idea, I’ve been bruising like crazy these last few months.”
Damn, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop saying ‘dude’ so much…
Mom: “She went to a concert at the beginning of the week. Plus, she does kung fu.”
Me: “Well I’ve had these ones [pointing to a few on my arms, legs, and on my back] for about a month and a half now.”
Family Doctor: “Well how long have you been doing kung fu?”
Me: “A few years.”
Family Doctor: “…Have you had any shortness of breath? Feeling exhausted?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I’ve been slacking at the gym, but I could just be overworking myself.”
Family Doctor: “Slacking?”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been staying on the elliptical machinery less and less, and doing fewer weight sets, fewer laps…”
Family Doctor: “How long has that been going on? Do your gums bleed at all?”
Me: “Few weeks, and yeah, but I brush my teeth pretty vigorously.”
Family Doctor: “I’m going to order you up some blood work. There’s no reason you should be bruising this much. I want to make sure you’re clotting alright.”
Mom: “Oh, we got the results from Joey’s surgery. It was just an angry lymph node.”
Family Doctor: “Oh well that’s good to hear.”
Mom: “It was a big relief, we were afraid he had lymphoma.”
Family Doctor: “Does cancer run in your family?”
Mom: “I’d say so. My sister has had it multiple times…”
Family Doctor: “I see. I’ll want to order that blood work for Rose before you leave.”
Haha, well shit.
So I’ve been bored out of my mind. I was supposed to be at a kung fu seminar this morning but that didn’t pan out so well what with me not being able to get out of bed and things. My sifu called me while I was making pancakes (I felt like a housewife with no real ambition) to say that he hopes I feel better soon, and that Mr. Rob was really excited about the lucky chinese fish charm I left for him.
Speaking of fish, let me explain to you how slap happy I’ve been.
I haven’t been eating, so I was very hungry, which makes sense. Anyway, I check out the freezer and discover some microwaveable fish fillets (score!) and am instantly overcome with ‘I want to eat this thing RIGHT NOW.’ Mom is on the floor behind me, and I say to her very politely “Can you make these for me? I’m gonna run in the bathroom and get some Vick’s.” She says “No, and Joey has been in that bathroom for about 45 minutes now.” Dad adds in “I haven’t heard a sound in 15 minutes…”
(”Oh god. That’s not good. Might want to make sure he’s still conscious.”)
With mom having refused to open a box of fish and put it on a plate and push the minute button on the microwave four times for me, I suck it up and start trying to open the box. Now, I failed to open a bottle of Gatorade earlier today and actually managed to hurt my wrist while doing it. After struggling for a minute (I may as well not have motor skills when I have a fever as high as this) I finally mutter “Fucking….fish box…”
And mom goes “What did you call me?”
I stopped to process this for a moment before I doubled over and peed my pants. The end.
