“Leave your body at the door.”

…ranges from plans that fell through because of a friend never called

…even though she said “I’ll call you, I’m serious, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

…to having said friend messaging me later that night telling me she’s drunk with her other friend,

…to my heart finally breaking over some asshole guy (idiom-wise, it had been slowly cracking and falling away since the year began…)

…to being talked into going to a party

and being surrounded by people with no sense of humor

and having a lousy time in general because there was nothing to do but drink and smoke

and I don’t drink or smoke

so I stared at the t.v.

and watched people answer their text messages out of my peripheral vision.

I feel dirty

and led on

and hopeless

but mostly towards any kind of future college might have in store for me.

I should be concerned with turning in scholarships and all those other applications so I can actually go when autumn rolls around. But now I just don’t want to.

I mean, we don’t have the money. And I really don’t know what I want to do. I thought I did. I know what I like to do, and what I’m good at. And well, I don’t like school, nor am I good at it.

I don’t want to become an asshole person that will hurt people who are like I am now.

Where my drive has gone, I honestly don’t know.

I imagine I’m going through what the animal equivalent is called distemper. You’ll have to look that one up yourself because I’m too lazy.

I’m really sick. I have a fever of 103.2˚F, and every time I have woken up, there has been a string of drool embarking on a bold adventure down my jawline and into the neck of my shirt, which has snot all over it. Even on the back. Somehow. I’m also on my period. The situation is hardly pleasant.

I have to have blood work done. Why?

Family Doctor: “And where did all these bruises come from?”
Me: “Dude, I really have no idea, I’ve been bruising like crazy these last few months.”
Damn, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop saying ‘dude’ so much…
Mom: “She went to a concert at the beginning of the week. Plus, she does kung fu.”
Me: “Well I’ve had these ones [pointing to a few on my arms, legs, and on my back] for about a month and a half now.”
Family Doctor: “Well how long have you been doing kung fu?”
Me: “A few years.”
Family Doctor: “…Have you had any shortness of breath? Feeling exhausted?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I’ve been slacking at the gym, but I could just be overworking myself.”
Family Doctor: “Slacking?”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been staying on the elliptical machinery less and less, and doing fewer weight sets, fewer laps…”
Family Doctor: “How long has that been going on? Do your gums bleed at all?”
Me: “Few weeks, and yeah, but I brush my teeth pretty vigorously.”
Family Doctor: “I’m going to order you up some blood work. There’s no reason you should be bruising this much. I want to make sure you’re clotting alright.”
Mom: “Oh, we got the results from Joey’s surgery. It was just an angry lymph node.”
Family Doctor: “Oh well that’s good to hear.”
Mom: “It was a big relief, we were afraid he had lymphoma.”
Family Doctor: “Does cancer run in your family?”
Mom: “I’d say so. My sister has had it multiple times…”
Family Doctor: “I see. I’ll want to order that blood work for Rose before you leave.”

Haha, well shit.

So I’ve been bored out of my mind. I was supposed to be at a kung fu seminar this morning but that didn’t pan out so well what with me not being able to get out of bed and things. My sifu called me while I was making pancakes (I felt like a housewife with no real ambition) to say that he hopes I feel better soon, and that Mr. Rob was really excited about the lucky chinese fish charm I left for him.

Speaking of fish, let me explain to you how slap happy I’ve been.

I haven’t been eating, so I was very hungry, which makes sense. Anyway, I check out the freezer and discover some microwaveable fish fillets (score!) and am instantly overcome with ‘I want to eat this thing RIGHT NOW.’ Mom is on the floor behind me, and I say to her very politely “Can you make these for me? I’m gonna run in the bathroom and get some Vick’s.” She says “No, and Joey has been in that bathroom for about 45 minutes now.” Dad adds in “I haven’t heard a sound in 15 minutes…”

(”Oh god. That’s not good. Might want to make sure he’s still conscious.”)

With mom having refused to open a box of fish and put it on a plate and push the minute button on the microwave four times for me, I suck it up and start trying to open the box. Now, I failed to open a bottle of Gatorade earlier today and actually managed to hurt my wrist while doing it. After struggling for a minute (I may as well not have motor skills when I have a fever as high as this) I finally mutter “Fucking….fish box…”

And mom goes “What did you call me?”

I stopped to process this for a moment before I doubled over and peed my pants. The end.

UsefulPockets: which class?

NonymousAddictio: another food class
NonymousAddictio: i could probably stay up all night drinking, without studying, and go in hungover and still get a solid B on it
NonymousAddictio: but i figure i should study and get an A

UsefulPockets: food is always easy. if you mess up, you can eat it and start over.
UsefulPockets: like, if you kill someone with a steak, you could just eat the steak.
UsefulPockets: and no one would ever know how the person died

NonymousAddictio: yeah, haha
NonymousAddictio: this is technically a food science intro class

UsefulPockets: oh
UsefulPockets: you can’t eat science

NonymousAddictio: but its all stuff I read earlier in my old classes
NonymousAddictio: i eat science
NonymousAddictio: mmm

UsefulPockets: mmmm science

NonymousAddictio: actually, cheese and beer are really scientific

UsefulPockets: …alright

NonymousAddictio: i think
NonymousAddictio: maybe not
NonymousAddictio: i dont know anymore

Today, in a moment of boredom…I pruned the inbox of my cellular phone and was filled with a “some people really do love me” feeling.

Most of the time when I’m thinking “How do I feel?” (which also isn’t too often, usually I skip right to “I feel like crap” without having to ask myself the question first) the answer that surfaces is never really “loved.” The fact I haven’t been actively acknowledging the absence of love must mean puberty is wrapping up it’s show, right? I mean, it better be. I’m going to be 19 in July, and my boobs stopped their conquest when I was 16.

onlyhuman25or28: dude dont u wish u could go back to the old days
onlyhuman25or28: like middle school
onlyhuman25or28: and like relive it

UsefulPockets:….uhhhh, i don’t know about THAT
UsefulPockets: but i remember it and get all nostalgic pretty frequently
UsefulPockets: it makes me think that good things can always come from shitty situations
UsefulPockets: mom told me that when she gave me a pair of pearl earrings on my 16th birthday.
UsefulPockets: apparently pearls are formed when sand gets caught inside of an oyster and the oyster gets all pissed off and irritated and releases chemicals that crystallize around the grain of sand and form a pearl
UsefulPockets: i think her point was “something good can come from your shitty situation”

onlyhuman25or28: nice
onlyhuman25or28: thats a cool thing for a mom to do
onlyhuman25or28: haha ur mom is really nice tho
UsefulPockets: haha, we don’t really get along
UsefulPockets: i mean, we try
UsefulPockets: but i think we both know we’re better off recognizing our differences than trying to force something that won’t happen
UsefulPockets: haha, i’m aware i probably won’t appreciate her until after she dies
UsefulPockets: it’s sad

onlyhuman25or28: haha yea

UsefulPockets: it’s sad that i can’t make a move

And that’s why I have you, Mr. WordPress. Because I’m an ungrateful teenager. 

In the children’s class at my kung fu school, my teacher emphasizes how contagious enthusiasm is, how we should respect our mothers, and how being rich has nothing to do with how much money we have, but how thankful we are. He always thanks me for helping and compliments me on my teaching skills and enthusiasm. I wonder if I’m genuinely enthusiastic and optimistic when I’m not in my own head like this. I’d hate to be lying to myself AND a group of easily influenced children.

I’ll sleep on this and get back to you, Mr. WordPress.