…either this kid just keeps batch sending them to all of his friends at once, or he REALLY wants me to have a fsck ton of Pokemon.

Ohhhhmuhgush.

…ranges from plans that fell through because of a friend never called

…even though she said “I’ll call you, I’m serious, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

…to having said friend messaging me later that night telling me she’s drunk with her other friend,

…to my heart finally breaking over some asshole guy (idiom-wise, it had been slowly cracking and falling away since the year began…)

…to being talked into going to a party

and being surrounded by people with no sense of humor

and having a lousy time in general because there was nothing to do but drink and smoke

and I don’t drink or smoke

so I stared at the t.v.

and watched people answer their text messages out of my peripheral vision.

I feel dirty

and led on

and hopeless

but mostly towards any kind of future college might have in store for me.

I should be concerned with turning in scholarships and all those other applications so I can actually go when autumn rolls around. But now I just don’t want to.

I mean, we don’t have the money. And I really don’t know what I want to do. I thought I did. I know what I like to do, and what I’m good at. And well, I don’t like school, nor am I good at it.

I don’t want to become an asshole person that will hurt people who are like I am now.

Where my drive has gone, I honestly don’t know.

I imagine I’m going through what the animal equivalent is called distemper. You’ll have to look that one up yourself because I’m too lazy.

I’m really sick. I have a fever of 103.2˚F, and every time I have woken up, there has been a string of drool embarking on a bold adventure down my jawline and into the neck of my shirt, which has snot all over it. Even on the back. Somehow. I’m also on my period. The situation is hardly pleasant.

I have to have blood work done. Why?

Family Doctor: “And where did all these bruises come from?”
Me: “Dude, I really have no idea, I’ve been bruising like crazy these last few months.”
Damn, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop saying ‘dude’ so much…
Mom: “She went to a concert at the beginning of the week. Plus, she does kung fu.”
Me: “Well I’ve had these ones [pointing to a few on my arms, legs, and on my back] for about a month and a half now.”
Family Doctor: “Well how long have you been doing kung fu?”
Me: “A few years.”
Family Doctor: “…Have you had any shortness of breath? Feeling exhausted?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I’ve been slacking at the gym, but I could just be overworking myself.”
Family Doctor: “Slacking?”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been staying on the elliptical machinery less and less, and doing fewer weight sets, fewer laps…”
Family Doctor: “How long has that been going on? Do your gums bleed at all?”
Me: “Few weeks, and yeah, but I brush my teeth pretty vigorously.”
Family Doctor: “I’m going to order you up some blood work. There’s no reason you should be bruising this much. I want to make sure you’re clotting alright.”
Mom: “Oh, we got the results from Joey’s surgery. It was just an angry lymph node.”
Family Doctor: “Oh well that’s good to hear.”
Mom: “It was a big relief, we were afraid he had lymphoma.”
Family Doctor: “Does cancer run in your family?”
Mom: “I’d say so. My sister has had it multiple times…”
Family Doctor: “I see. I’ll want to order that blood work for Rose before you leave.”

Haha, well shit.

So I’ve been bored out of my mind. I was supposed to be at a kung fu seminar this morning but that didn’t pan out so well what with me not being able to get out of bed and things. My sifu called me while I was making pancakes (I felt like a housewife with no real ambition) to say that he hopes I feel better soon, and that Mr. Rob was really excited about the lucky chinese fish charm I left for him.

Speaking of fish, let me explain to you how slap happy I’ve been.

I haven’t been eating, so I was very hungry, which makes sense. Anyway, I check out the freezer and discover some microwaveable fish fillets (score!) and am instantly overcome with ‘I want to eat this thing RIGHT NOW.’ Mom is on the floor behind me, and I say to her very politely “Can you make these for me? I’m gonna run in the bathroom and get some Vick’s.” She says “No, and Joey has been in that bathroom for about 45 minutes now.” Dad adds in “I haven’t heard a sound in 15 minutes…”

(”Oh god. That’s not good. Might want to make sure he’s still conscious.”)

With mom having refused to open a box of fish and put it on a plate and push the minute button on the microwave four times for me, I suck it up and start trying to open the box. Now, I failed to open a bottle of Gatorade earlier today and actually managed to hurt my wrist while doing it. After struggling for a minute (I may as well not have motor skills when I have a fever as high as this) I finally mutter “Fucking….fish box…”

And mom goes “What did you call me?”

I stopped to process this for a moment before I doubled over and peed my pants. The end.

UsefulPockets: which class?

NonymousAddictio: another food class
NonymousAddictio: i could probably stay up all night drinking, without studying, and go in hungover and still get a solid B on it
NonymousAddictio: but i figure i should study and get an A

UsefulPockets: food is always easy. if you mess up, you can eat it and start over.
UsefulPockets: like, if you kill someone with a steak, you could just eat the steak.
UsefulPockets: and no one would ever know how the person died

NonymousAddictio: yeah, haha
NonymousAddictio: this is technically a food science intro class

UsefulPockets: oh
UsefulPockets: you can’t eat science

NonymousAddictio: but its all stuff I read earlier in my old classes
NonymousAddictio: i eat science
NonymousAddictio: mmm

UsefulPockets: mmmm science

NonymousAddictio: actually, cheese and beer are really scientific

UsefulPockets: …alright

NonymousAddictio: i think
NonymousAddictio: maybe not
NonymousAddictio: i dont know anymore

Today, in a moment of boredom…I pruned the inbox of my cellular phone and was filled with a “some people really do love me” feeling.

Most of the time when I’m thinking “How do I feel?” (which also isn’t too often, usually I skip right to “I feel like crap” without having to ask myself the question first) the answer that surfaces is never really “loved.” The fact I haven’t been actively acknowledging the absence of love must mean puberty is wrapping up it’s show, right? I mean, it better be. I’m going to be 19 in July, and my boobs stopped their conquest when I was 16.

onlyhuman25or28: dude dont u wish u could go back to the old days
onlyhuman25or28: like middle school
onlyhuman25or28: and like relive it

UsefulPockets:….uhhhh, i don’t know about THAT
UsefulPockets: but i remember it and get all nostalgic pretty frequently
UsefulPockets: it makes me think that good things can always come from shitty situations
UsefulPockets: mom told me that when she gave me a pair of pearl earrings on my 16th birthday.
UsefulPockets: apparently pearls are formed when sand gets caught inside of an oyster and the oyster gets all pissed off and irritated and releases chemicals that crystallize around the grain of sand and form a pearl
UsefulPockets: i think her point was “something good can come from your shitty situation”

onlyhuman25or28: nice
onlyhuman25or28: thats a cool thing for a mom to do
onlyhuman25or28: haha ur mom is really nice tho
UsefulPockets: haha, we don’t really get along
UsefulPockets: i mean, we try
UsefulPockets: but i think we both know we’re better off recognizing our differences than trying to force something that won’t happen
UsefulPockets: haha, i’m aware i probably won’t appreciate her until after she dies
UsefulPockets: it’s sad

onlyhuman25or28: haha yea

UsefulPockets: it’s sad that i can’t make a move

And that’s why I have you, Mr. WordPress. Because I’m an ungrateful teenager. 

In the children’s class at my kung fu school, my teacher emphasizes how contagious enthusiasm is, how we should respect our mothers, and how being rich has nothing to do with how much money we have, but how thankful we are. He always thanks me for helping and compliments me on my teaching skills and enthusiasm. I wonder if I’m genuinely enthusiastic and optimistic when I’m not in my own head like this. I’d hate to be lying to myself AND a group of easily influenced children.

I’ll sleep on this and get back to you, Mr. WordPress.

onlyhuman25or28: so rosie
onlyhuman25or28: today i decided that since they have the same thing on certain days every week i would name the days for the chow hall

UsefulPockets: and what did you come up with?

onlyhuman25or28: well mondays im always too lazy to go to the chow hall so i have no clue wut they serve

UsefulPockets: hahahaha

onlyhuman25or28: tuesdays they have tacos and shit so its taco tuesday

UsefulPockets: i don’t suppose you listen to the aquabats, do you?

onlyhuman25or28: wendsday they have hot dawgs and sausages so i call it weener wendsday
onlyhuman25or28: nope but ive heard of them

UsefulPockets: okay nevermind
UsefulPockets: it was already ruined with having hot dogs on wednesday
UsefulPockets: i did a similar naming thing with my broad sword drills
UsefulPockets: since they were numbered and i had a hard time remembering them
UsefulPockets: first one is “dead body hop,” then “oscillating fan kick,” “silly charge,” “cat stomp,” “painful diving roll,” “the semi-circle that everyone hates,” and “marshmallow stabbing with butterflies to tornado kick.”

onlyhuman25or28: now thats just weird

UsefulPockets: well if you saw them it would totally make sense

onlyhuman25or28: ohh???

UsefulPockets: first one you cut twice, chamber the sword, and then do a 360 high enough so that if there was a dead body there, you’d be jumping over it
UsefulPockets: second one is where you kick and cut at the same time while moving forward and it reminds me of a spinning fan
UsefulPockets: the silly charge is….a silly charge. you point the sword out in front and then shuffle forward and then make a stabbing motion.
UsefulPockets: cat stomp is where you’re in a cat stance and flick the sword downwards to block while shuffling forward (still in a cat stance) and you stomp your back foot down as you move forward
UsefulPockets: painful diving roll is a painful diving roll

onlyhuman25or28: id like to stomp a cat

UsefulPockets: …….

Bullet points are totally necessary here.

I went to the Streetlight Manifesto concert at the Cleveland Agora last night with Stev.

Overall: A+ would do it again

Haha, so…I DID lose my job, but not because of my suspenders. I just thought the timing of the facebook feed was amazing.

It’s been a rough week. Awkward and surreal and rough. But somehow my Wednesday was worse than my Thursday. Maybe things are about to change.

So besides the fact that some discombobulated 87 year old man drove his car into the store where I work, life hasn’t been too exciting.

Actually, it has reached such a monotony that it’s pretty safe to assume all I will talk about in this entry are the ever-present circumstances that bother me anyway. Use your imagination to insert all that crap between here and the next paragraph.

Although something funny happened just now. I heard my dad slide his chair back at the dinner table and quickly head into the basement, and then Joey followed suit, yelling “Daddy, no!”. Looks like Joey is about to have his paused FIFA game ruined. Haha. Haha.

Might as well share something amazing I did a while back in an effort to nostalgically brighten my mood. I was eating chips and salsa, which is something I do frequently, because I love chips and salsa, and for some reason I guess I forgot to close my mouth or whatever, because the chip fell right back out onto my leg. Please tell me that’s happened to you. Anyway, I picked up the chip and I laughed at how hilarious that would have been if someone saw it happen, and while I was laughing I dropped the chip AGAIN (I know) onto the floor. So I proceeded to snicker at myself and leaned over off the chair all awkward to pick it up again (but not to eat) and somehow I misjudged my distancewithout any excuse, I STEPPED ON THE CHIP, crushing it to pieces. Like a fucking dinosaur. It was so discouraging. I reported this incident to Joey as soon as I could compose myself and he just called me retarded.

Other than that, I haven’t drawn anything, and I’m halfway or so through another writing that I will inevitably scrap, all because I can’t find a good synonym for the word “circus.”

Quick note: This was actually written on 4/10/08 (on a Thursday) but since I wasn’t paying attention to the new posting layout, I saved it as a draft instead of actually publishing it. If there’s a way to edit time stamps and I figure it out, I’ll fix this chaos.

I was born on a Thursday. Thursday, July 20th, 1989. It was a rainy day, much like today.

Thursdays always suck for me somehow. I couldn’t tell you why, but I can tell you I have thought to myself “Today is shit. What day is it, anyway? Thursday? Why do I always have my bad days on a Thursday?” more than…five times.

And you know, I’m just really exhausted so I’ll copy and paste from an AIM conversation where I already explained why my day sucked.

“Why did I get my ass kicked? Or why did today suck? I got my ass kicked because I didn’t recover after a crescent kick and the person I was sparring punched me in the stomach really really hard. Today sucked in general because I had to work from 9 to 5, which instantly makes it a suck day because I had to wake up early. And once I got there, I got crap from a few coworkers and it just felt like nothing was going right. And then a box of baby toys fell on my head and I nearly fell off the ladder in the back. Which would have been hilarious to anyone watching.”

Thus…I am in pain on a Thursday again. Maybe I should start wishing for dollars every time I have a bad day on a Thursday. If I had a dollar for every time my day sucked on a Thursday, I’d have…over five dollars, that’s for god damn sure.